A moment of vulnerability?

Just listen to what I have to say.

I planned to write about my week originally, but then, the only nice thing that happened was a man puffing his cigarette into my face 😶.

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Maybe you call it imposter syndrome, maybe it's just something I've had too long in my head that now makes it look true, I do not know. But I do know for sure that for the longest time, I've compared my self to people of various types. I've compared academically, financially, physically, career-wise and in so many other categories that seem to elude me now. Up until now, I still do it, consciously or unconsciously.

In my head, everyone is better than me and this makes me try to push for perfection all the time. But then, is perfection really meant for me? Is it even meant for anybody? To that, I do not have an answer.

Photo by kevin turcios on Unsplash

In SS1, I didn't know what course I wanted to study, but I liked Chemistry, Commerce and Literature. Make it make sense 😪. At age 12, I was faced with the struggle of picking a course, because I didn't have a definite career in mind and this ‘course’ was going to determine the rest of my life and career. Or at least, so they said. Of course, everyone else knew what exactly they wanted to become since JSS2. We had the engineers of all sorts, doctors, surgeons, lawyers, designers and even the tech bros. Then, we had me who was just fine with being the housewife of Dangote's second son 🥲😂.

Wether it was pressure or my intense love for Chemistry, I do not recall, but SS1 term 2 came, and I had myself learning laws coined by people older than my forefathers. Of course, I couldn't have gone for art or social sciences, because what would people say? ‘Oh, she's just wasting her talent and she's being lazy by going to art class🤦🏽‍♀️.’ As an overthinker and people pleaser, science class had to be the right choice. If you weren't in the science department, then you weren't smart. It was that simple.

Fast forward to when I graduated secondary school. I still didn't have a career in mind. I did try, but it seemed all odds were against me fr. As an overthinker, I'd continuously wonder if I was meant to actually be a housewife, because everyone else seemed to have their lives figured out. All I knew, was that I was gonna have to make that moolah no matter how 💁🏽‍♀️.

Now that I look back, I realise a lot of insecurities clouded me, which never gave me the chance to live my life the way I wanted to. I always had a fronting and was always ‘on guard.’ I was always thinking about what the next person would say. I wrote my first and last love letter in JSS1. How naïve I was 😪. After that, if I had feelings for you, I'd make sure they died in my head, cos you'd never get to know.

If I had unconventional thoughts, I'd rather not share them, than to be put on the spotlight, and be looked at like someone wasn't normal. I had a tomboy fronting, when really, I was just a soft girl who wanted backup from her girlies 😔. Nobody believed I could ever have a crush, so that was great. My feelings for you would die irrespective of how strong they were. Journaling easily became my comfort activity. I'd lock my craziest thoughts in a book, because that was my safest space. People weren't my go-to and till today, aren't really.

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Till tomorrow, I still compare myself. I still overthink, I still care what other people think. But now, I'm trying to damn the consequences and other people's thoughts, because at the end of the day, it's my life I'm living and no one has a manual to this thing we call life 💔.

Maybe this is just me ranting. Maybe it's me speaking your exact thoughts, but I just thought to let you know that not everyone who looks fine is actually fine. It may all be fronting because of composure and steeze🤷🏽‍♀️😂.

If you need someone to rant to, my dms are always open 🫂.

After all, I'm just a young girl trying to find her way through this haze🫠.

See you next week? I'm not sure yet😗, but I love you regardless ❤️.

Signed..

Dami🌹